


There is No Such Thing as Troll Barnes & Noble

by ukelala



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AO3 1 Million, Dave likes to be a dick, Gen, Karkat has it all wrong, Romance Novel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-15
Updated: 2014-02-15
Packaged: 2018-01-12 14:02:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1187946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukelala/pseuds/ukelala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat reads too much into things, Rose reads too much, and Dave ... well, Dave is a dick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is No Such Thing as Troll Barnes & Noble

This was one of those rare times that Karkat was silent. Curled up in the corner of the lounge, he had his face buried in a novel. As much as he’d never admit it out loud, things had been going a lot smoother ever since the humans showed up. As a result, there was time to kill. Three years of it, actually.

Deeply absorbed in the conflicting emotions of the poor greenblood torn between her highblood master’s advances and the unknown pirate willing to steal her away, he failed to notice Dave in the room until he gave the book cover a flick.

“Hey, how’s your dollar store romance crap? Is this chick on the cover getting plowed by her kiss-messy or whatever?” 

Karkat looked up at that stupid pair of aviator glasses, and the tiny smirk below them. No. That douchebag wasn’t getting to him today. Karkat admired the scowl on his face, reflected back at him in those mirrored lenses. He decided not to take the bait.

“What’s a ‘dollar store’, anyway…” 

Pointing out that the book was primarily a redrom would be totally lost on the human, and would no doubt start an argument. No, he’d had this book on his ‘must read’ shelf forever, and be damned if he was going to give it up for some shitty pointless black flirting that never goes anywhere. Barely noticing the little scoff Dave made as he left, Karkat smiled a tiny bit. Obviously, teasing Karkat wasn’t the true purpose of his visit. He went back to hungrily consuming the text. 

_‘Lepana looked back at her former master with tears in her eyes. The seadweller’s body still kicked with the last throes of life, though his throat was crushed. How could he have known the captain would betray her love for a price? Uursus crushed the gills on his face and dropped him without a second thought. Violet streaks still damp on his sleeve, he reached over and shattered her restraints. With those same powerful arms, he picked her up as gently as a hatchling._

_“Take me, Uursus. I can only belong to you.”_

_“I have always known that. I forgive you.”_

_With no further words, he laid her down, cradling her head tenderly against the still warm body of the former captain, and he caressed her shivering form. He carefully peeled away her dress, checking even her most delicate places for any injuries. She sighed shyly as he sprea-‘_

Karkat’s attention was torn away from the book when Dave spoke up again.

“Rose, I need to borrow your nook.” 

What? Dave was casually talking to his ecto-sister, seated at a desk with her back turned to him. He fought the flush climbing all the way to his ears, and tried to hide the look of shock on his face at the proposition. There is NO WAY he heard that right. Just his mind suggesting things…. Maybe he should put the book down for now.

“My nook? Okay. I need it tonight though. Kanaya likes a little dark time anymore, so I’ll be wanting it later, when she tires of her phosphorescence. It’s charged up and ready to use now; make sure it stays that way.” Rose said with a sigh, offhandedly fiddling with something on the desk. 

Karkat swallowed hard. Kanaya and Rose sure moved fast. 

“Don’t worry; I’ll make sure it’s all juiced up for you. Terezi is gonna be so pumped! I can’t wait to show her…” 

Gold eyes were as wide as saucers. Dave was going to show Rose’s nook to Terezi. What the actual fuck.

“Mr. Strider, I hold you completely responsible for whatever happens should she lick it. That includes damages to my device, any it may inflict on her or any damages I or a third party inflict on either of you as a result.” 

She gave him a… condescending look…. Or was it coquettish? LICK IT? DAMAGES? WHAT SHIT DO THESE HUMANS DO? WITH TEREZI, TOO?! Okay, so Terezi licks everything, but… Karkat rubbed his face hard, squeezing his eyes shut. No, no, no, he was not hearing this.

“Miss Lalonde, please. Am I anything less than completely trustworthy? I already told her she can’t lick it. She’s only allowed to touch it, and she’ll probably sniff it a whole lot. I guess they don’t have anything like this on Alternia, so she’s wicked curious.” 

Rose shot him a warning look. Karkat barely stifled a squeak of… outrage? Jealousy?

“Do you need me to show you how it works? I’ve made some improvements since you’re last seen it.” 

Dave leaned over her shoulder, and reached in front of her, one hand still in his pocket. He made a little ‘hmm’ noise as she scooted over in the chair. Oh, gog. They’ve obviously forgotten he’s here, and this is so uncomfortable right now… Karkat stopped pulling on his hair long enough to scan the room for an escape route.

“So, if I touch it right here, it’s Alternian-compatible? What, is that something special you did for your girlfriend?” 

Rose sighed, saying nothing at all. Apparently, sexuality was a much more casual thing with humans… even supposedly ‘related’ ones, for whatever the fuck that mattered. Karkat crossed his legs, and stared at his hands folded across his lap. Was it worse to run screaming from the room with a squirming bulge in his pants, or to melt into his chair and pretend he’s not watching whatever perverted thing is going on…?

“I think that will just about do it for me, then. Thanks sis, I’ll be back!” 

Dave whirled away from the desk, clutching a black, flat, book-sized thing with a weirdly glowing screen. He only took two steps before he saw Karkat, scrunched up in his chair, one white-knuckled fist clutching the leg of his pants, the other propping up and trying to hide his furiously blushing face. His intense stare was fixed squarely at the floor, as if he could burn a hole straight through it. The human boy walked over and bopped Karkat on the head with the e-reader.

“What’s the matter? Is your shitty book too hot for you to handle?” Dave had a big, insincere smile on his face. 

“SERIOUSLY, STRIDER? HERE’S A NEWSFLASH FOR YOUR EMPTY BULGEWHIFFING THINKPAN. HERE IT COMES, ARE YOU READY FOR IT? THIS IS A PUBLIC PLACE. OTHER PEOPLE USE IT, SO STOP SMUTTING IT UP. YOU’RE OVER THERE MAKING ADVANCES ON YOUR SISTER, FUCKNUGGET. AND WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU THINKING, BRINGING TEREZI IN ON YOUR SELF PROCLAIMED INCESTUOUS TABOO? DO YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY TO LABEL YOUR BIZZARE HUMAN GENITALIA WITH TROLL TERMS, AND THEN PLAY WITH THEM IN FRONT OF ME? YOU ARE ONE SICK…” 

Wait, why was Rose laughing? Karkat angrily scanned the boy in front of him for a clue. The blond, smirking, extended the item in his hand… Clearly labeled ‘nook’ in lowercase English letters. All the words remaining in his rant died in his throat in some sort of squeaking gurgle. 

“…SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?”

“I didn’t know a digital book was such a kinky thing for you guys. Now I’m _definitely_ going to show Terezi.” 

Dave lowered his glasses and gave Karkat a wink with his startlingly bright red-brown eyes. Obviously, teasing Karkat was the true purpose of his visit.

“GO FUCK YOURSELF.” 

Nice comeback. Karkat pushed Dave out of the way, and absconded the fuck out of there. Stupid caliginous bulgetease. Some hours later, Karkat wondered exactly what sort of horrible things Dave had alchemized to create such a tragically named contraption. He decided to never ask.


End file.
